Fictional Guild Wars login announcements
__NOWYSIWYG__ Originals are at Guild Wars login announcements. ArenaNet changes approach towards trolls ArenaNet has decided to fix the troll problem by providing free, assassin only accounts to "teach the noobs who are pissing off other gamers for no reason a lesson". These assassins will be able to use their skills in towns and outposts. Their goal is to reduce the total number of 83 trolls (estimated), logging in every day and terrorising the cities of Tyria, Cantha and Elona, as much as possible. Be warned though that when it turns out that a specific troll-problem was in the eyes of the beholder the assassins is authorized to change their target, so be careful when complaining about "trolls" ... Note that ArenaNet won't notify any trolls before their characters are tracked down and killed. Server Maintenance Problem GW2 - WoW merge considered Blizzard has indicated an interest in adopting large parts of Arenanet's innovative new GW2 game mechanics, and Arenanet is WoW extension tentatively titled GuildCraft. Industry experts expect this new extension to effectively merge the existing WoW and Guild Wars user bases. Shop Around Merchants in major cities have decided to organize and charge higher prices for the same services and items. Shop around in order to find the best deals for your goods and services needed. Rates of up to 1000% for Vial of Dye (Gray) have been reported from Kamadan, Jewel of Istan. These merchants also tend to offer less gold for your valuables. Guild Wars 2 Delayed Again Unnamed sources report that ArenaNet's LAN has been compromised by a group of Blood Elves, who managed to destroy most of the GuildWars 2 assets. The intrusion was detected only when they started deleting ArenaNet's vast video repository. As a result, all of the Guild Wars 2 progress has been rolled back to a 0.0.0.1 build, as ArenaNet developers and artists struggle to recreate the game from the remaining video. Fortunately, ArenaNet have amassed enough video material to keep offering trailers to the GuildWars community until the game finally comes out. The release has been pushed back to 2015 at the earliest. An NCsoft spokesman stated that there are no plans to refund pre-order payments, adding "we certainly do need that money now". A crack team of GuildWars developers is meanwhile attempting to monetize existing GuildWars content further; ideas include a pet Makeover Pack and a pay-to-play "classic Dervish" character class. Alien invasion Beware of the aliens in Senji's Corner! They can remove your profession and replace your skills with "attack", which is just a regular attack. Beware of bosses Never give an in-game boss your password, it will log in to your account and remove all your skills, ensuring it an easy victory. Consider yourself warned. Beware of fake login announcements Some Guild Wars websites may display login announcements that are not actually authored by ArenaNet and have never run on the GuildWars login screen. Be alert! Stay safe! Wear a condom! Beware of Xunlai Secret Agents bearing gifts of Peace and Harmony Although they may look innocent at first glance, they can quickly remove hexes and pre-existing conditions and are just terrible, terrible experience for your monkey. Review the Naming Policy There are some types of names that are not funny, so before creating a new character, please ask your sober friends whether it really is as funny as you think it is. Example: "Nee Gromancer" is not a good name for a Necromancer. If it spells words, spellcheck them. Buying Gold costs money If you purchase gold for real-world money, you are spending money on a game that could be spent on food, clothes, or a hot, sensual experience (such as a warm massage bath). Instead you are spending money to have fun at a game that should have been fun even without you having spend money to get play-money. If Guild Wars isn't fun for you, don't play and don't pay! Unless, of course, the game becomes much more fun once you remove the tedium component. Don't Give Account Information to 4chan Beware of Anonymous who ask for your account information "for teh lulz". The request "Account or GTFO" is designed to trick you into divulging your personal information, which is then used to have fun with your account. Never give your account information to Anonymous. Also remember: if you let 4chan have your login details, your account will likely be suspended in short order, but at least it will be funny. Gwen and Keiran split Gwen's had enough already! She caught Keiran Thackeray in the bathroom with old photos of Evennia, his ex-girlfriend, and photos of a bunch of loose Ritualists from Kaineng City. She's pregnant with their first child, but he'll now be the baby daddy she's always wanted. Mhenlo will be her attorney in the divorce settlement and you can already see the two of them have a thing going. Meanwhile, Gwen continues to ask herself over and over again in her head, "Why oh why did Prince Rurik have to die?? Those %@&^*!! Charr!" Chat Channel Changes Players are reminded that the chat channels are intended for social activities. Players using the chat channels to hang idling are subject to account suspension. Be sure to use the chat regularly! See the Conduct Breaches and Outcomes document at www.guildwars.com/support/conduct_breach for more information on how to abuse the chat channels properly. I Have a New Key Now buy a new door. Beta Key Spotted Rumors are spreading fast that a beta key for Guild Wars 2 was discovered in-game. It has the shape of the Shiverpeak Key and appears white, so be sure to be paying attention to chat. In the item's description (which only one character can see and is not tradeable) you'll find the access key for Guild Wars 2. Add it your Guild Wars account and you get the chance to play one new profession and get to level 20 just like every other character on the Guild Wars game itself. Races are not yet enclosed and we'll keep you updated on any new information we get about this beta key. Isle of the Nameless temporarily closed The PvP hub and part time swimming pool Isle of the Nameless has been temporarily closed by person, or persons unknown. When asked about the closure, an ArenaNet source would only whisper, "Gnomes!" and directed further questions to their community representative, Regina. Cats Arenanet announced that all pets will be replaced by cats due to a planned update that will replace all monsters, characters, npc's and animals with cats turning the game into "Cat Guilds" which will be a racing game. players will be required to race across the new world map which will be a combination of Tyria, Elona, Cantha and more. Races will take roughly 10 weeks to complete and will require players to stay on for the whole time. Double drop rates for the faithful This year, players playing as a Monk or Dervish will be rewarded by the gods with a double drop rate. Players that create characters after this announcement shall not qualify, as they are false converts, and do not exhibit real faith. CHUCK NORRIS WEEKEND This weekend, players will be playing as Chuck Norris and all skills will be replaced by roundhouse kick. Free green replication For the weekend of 13 November, we mistakenly announced that players would have 'double odds of receiving green items'. Our player community kindly pointed out to us that 2 is not an odd number. As a result, only one green item dropped at a time. This weekend, players can talk to King Frozenwind in the Underworld and present any green items to receive an identical copy. We apologize for the inconvenience. Permanent Deaths Due to server errors, players have reported deaths to lead to deletion of characters. Arenanet is working on the problem, but will not be able to fix it before Monday. Until a final solution is released, we recommend staying off those characters you treasure or enjoy playing, and instead make a Dervish. Map Travel Changes Due to constant abuse of a bug with the main map that enabled players to instantly warp to locations, we have banned all players that abused this exploit. As a bug fix, we have updated the game to use a new Map Travel system that costs one map travel ticket per use. Tickets are available from Kuunavang in the Harvest Temple for 10g each. Our deepest apologies to those on the far side of Tyria and Elona. Vanquishing Update When you entered an explorable area which you have previously vanquished, there will be no enemies. Be careful when vanquishing an area if you have not got an elite skill from that area. Dhuum Careful, Dhuum is looking for new recruits daily. He needs to fill up Underworld with slaves. If you get tapped by him, remember that there's nothing you can do. He will hunt you, if you try to run away. Chicken Weekend Exploding chickens are on the loose! Randomly exploding chickens are attacking people and giving them exploding chicken disease (condition). Beware! and be cautious where you tread, when they attack they remove all your items and skills, transmit the "disease" and run away. Chickens have never been more dangerous! Assassin weekend This weekend players playing as assassins will be randomly challenged to a dagger duel by Dhuum while in city or an outpost, because he is angry with them. If you lose this fight, you will be permanently banned for the duration of the event. Good luck! Louie Spence Weekend This Weekend all new characters will develop an interest in artistic personality and will have an Essex accent combined with a lisp. Also you may become openly gay. Please we advise you to stay at home and play your current characters before you become the ultimate rubber man. Tongue Rash Precautions The recent surge in Guild Wars cases of tongue rash has been traced back to the source, a Canthan slave producing Red Bean Cakes for the New Year celebrations. Emperor Kisu has ordered a recall of all Red Bean Cakes acquired from last weekend. Beware of the rash, check your character's tongues daily. A remedy is available from the monks in Shing Jea Monastery. Dervish Overload Because of the recent update, there has been a spike in Dervish activity and previously underused game mechanics are being overused and are liable to spontaneously combust. Any players using updated Dervish skills are likely to catch on fire and in extreme cases reach critical mass. For this reason, ANet advises having a fire extinguisher handy at all times. NcSoft Servers Down. NcSoft has announced that due to extensive PvP play, their servers were completely destroyed. Because of total server destruction: All guilds were disbanded, account titles removed, and Kamadan was razed to the ground. NcSoft is refusing to reopen the newer servers due to them being cheap, until all accounts mass into one army and conquer the Blizzard servers. When conquered NCSOFT will have a new set of servers for all accounts to use. Warning to Male Elementalists Due to a recent plagiarism suit from NBC, the male elementalist dance has been removed. This has unintentionally introduced a bug that causes players to crash to desktop when attempting to dance as a male elementalist, or being in a district where a male elementalist tries to dance. PvE Skill Updates ANet confirmed today that the current PvP builds are '..just too powerful.'. In response, all skills will be overhauled and made less effective so people can't exploit the game. The skill upgrades have already started in a scheduled roll-over of all character types, starting with the Dervish. Hidden Easter eggs in Guild Wars revealed at last! Players are requested to type /dancenew in the final Eye of the North quest. This triggers the special dance with the destroyers minigame. Be careful not to wake the sleeping dragon. Herbal hazard In response to general public concern, we temporarily advise against consuming excessive amounts of four-leaf clover or shamrock ale. Therefore, during the lucky weekend, you may observe a minor performance degradation as toxicological research is being conducted on our servers. If you encounter five-leaf clovers looking like the sample on the right, please contact the FDA immediately! Giant Cow Alert For any players who are used to clearing the deep, be on the look out for a giant cow. It was added to the deep recently as a boss, he drops 80 ectos, but it takes over 24 hours to kill. Happy hunting. GWAMM Boss Aura Guild Wars will now be offering boss glow effects for all God Walking Amongst Mere Mortals character holders. This effect will only be shown on the character that have the title. The color of the glow is based on profession. This effect will begin at the next update coming soon! Warrior Week This week, Warrior attack skills recharge 10% faster and have a 1% chance to kill instantly if they hit. This change applies to PvE characters only. No Shame In Profit CEO and President of NCSoft Kim Taek-jin announced earlier today that the development of their much anticipated game, Guild Wars 2, was cutting deep into their budget and continual delays in the release date were causing investors to back out of their contracts. In hopes of generating new revenue, Kim decided to convert the original Guild Wars and it's expansions into a pay-to-play game, like their adversary, World of Warcraft. Kim says that he is confident that the current 4 million players will expand to even greater numbers by only charging $9.95 US a month, $5 US a month less than Blizzard currently charges it's customers. "By going from a free to play game to charging less than Blizzard," says Kim, "gamers will see the better deal and make a switch. Even though we haven't charged our customers in the past, less is better than free, right?" GuildWars Wikia is skeptical after hearing of this sudden shift in policy but time will tell. Scraping the Pot In a last minute effort to keep players interested in Guild Wars, NCSoft decided to up the ante and make all players mercenaries without having to pay for the option. Once you register yourself as a mercenary, all other players will be given the choice to add you and and all other registered players into their party. The only trick to this is, if you pick Killer Beekilled for example, they will be added into your party with whatever skills they have on at the time. Call it a pot luck of sorts. If a player is set to be a tank and you wanted damage, you are out of luck for a minimum of 30 minutes. You cannot kick them and add someone else unless a half hour has expired or until you successfully complete a mission or vanquish. Let us hope no one is sitting there with a skill bar full of resurrects waiting to be chosen! Do not abuse animations! ArenaNet warns all players that exploiting the glitches in animations will result in suspending characters or even banning accounts. ArenaNet is aware of the problem with the male elementalists "/dance" animation and the danger it causes and is emerging to find a solution. Please be wise and don't risk unnecessary damage. Title track upgrade Answering to the ever increasing call for more playing incentives, we have added another level to the Kind Of A Big Deal title track. The final rank 7: UGWALG (Uber-God Walking Among Lesser GWAMM's) will be achieved when GWAMM's (now 99.76% of our active player community) max all existing titles, and complete the Secret Cow Level. (Note: achieving UGWALG will add +1 to your max title count) Idea Hailing Abaddon keeps the Margonites at bay. Koss tonic first to be made "more realistic" In an effort to make sixth birthday tonics "more realistic," ArenaNet has decided to give these tonics additional effects when used in explorable areas. Being disguised as Koss will now give players a larger aggro bubble. Shouts used will also have much larger overhead text, stances will have a 10% chance to fail and cause the player to break into dance instead, and all attack skills will also hit foes and allies adjacent to the target. Additional effects will be added for other birthday tonics pending player response to playing LIKE A KOSS. action=edit}} add fictional announcement cats..